I am seriously debating closing down CardCastles and the larger umbrella responsible for it (Snapping Turtle) for good.
This is not for lack of trying, let me stress.
March has forever been unkind to me throughout my entire life. You may have even read that here before. I don’t have to tell you the following for privacy reasons, but I’m going to. Holding it in is making me even sicker than I already am.
My sister had her daughter (my niece) taken away from her by her ex. There’s a whole lot more to that, but that is just tier one of a set of things that are rapidly pushing me over the edge.
The tax return we were so heavily depending on (to move out of this hellhole) has been seized for student loan debt. All of it.
To top it all off, I just recently discovered my uncle who was once my legal guardian upon my grandmother’s passing, went behind my back while I was hospitalized back in 2006 and somehow illegally obtained “power of attorney” over me. What that basically translates to is I have no rights. He can sign things for me, obtain any money that comes to me. Fraudulently fill out forms in my name, etc etc. & He’ll be protected from any prosecution because, well, Power of Attorney.
Fighting any of this issues in court are near impossible for me since I am floating just above the national poverty line.
I am defeated. Depression has taken a strangle hold over me. & I am not sure if I can keep fighting anymore. The sickness I’ve been suffering from is spreading.
To keep this place standing is starting to feel like a crushing burden. I’m still undecided, but I figured I’d try to keep those of you that care in the loop. There are knots in my stomach and I can’t keep food down.
I hope this all isn’t a complete waste. I’ve worked so hard to get here.
I really love a lot of you and I’m sorry to unload all of this depressing muck on you. Pray/chant/will things for us. We will certainly need it in the months ahead.
Those of you that know me are no strangers to that.
A few days back I posted a “Shutdown Notice” of sorts closing down the site, my services, and all of the CardCastles social media accounts.
I’ve never seen the Stats for this place spike so high. Oh, it certainly wasn’t because folks were concerned, I assure you. Not over 500+ in less than an hour. No, my close friends and core group know where to reach me & certainly wouldn’t spam the buttons here to do so.
That spike was likely due to people that cannot wait to see me fall on my face.
Although my health is indeed dwindling, I still have hope.
“The audacity of hope!” – President Barack Obama
Hope is something I tend to cling to with all of my being.
After all, I’ve always been like a cat with nine lives, and well, hell, I’m just not that easy to kill.
When I left, there was a guilt I felt because I’m trying to build this business even larger than it already is. My goal is to stack it into something that can eventually help my family and friends. Due to groundwork I laid out earlier this year, I’m already halfway there.
So, I can’t really just stop now. Even though I certainly felt the need to for a while.
Over the last few days, I got to see how much I really am appreciated, however silently, it’s still appreciation, and it matters. You filled my inboxes, my DMs, tweeted out little playlists for me. (One of my potential future moderators who you’ll soon hopefully be meeting shared all of this with me while I was away. We both had a good laugh about how I couldn’t leave this place if I tried.)
One last thing pushed me back here beside all that.
I thought of someone I care about who is going through my exact same struggle right now. She hasn’t stopped her magic for one minute. Even with all she has on her plate, and doing every bit of it while in pain, she hasn’t thrown in the towel. She’s still going.
That inspires me. That’s a strength I’ve only seen in one other place—through the women in my own family, particularly, my late mother.
So while I had my time to sit and sob
and even though the holidays are draining everylast bit of sanity I have left
When I first started out, “Daydreams” was very much a character.
Now she’s just a cloak that I wear to protect whatever little shred of privacy I have left.
I’ve all but exposed my whole ass for the world to see. Most are no longer comfortable with me since I’m not fluffing their egos while being kind and PC. But I’m getting off-track a bit. Let’s rewind to the first half of this before I go any further.
It chirped away. Not a pleasant bell like that of a teeny sparrow, but a manic, repetitive, screeching sound akin to metal on metal. I could almost sense what it was. In fact, in the corners of my subconscious, I think I very much did.
It was a person in my professional network, pointing me towards the mouthes of the displeased.
Displeasure—oh, how I’ve danced with you on and off these past few years.
Passive-aggressive in its nature, though point taken, it stood out like a festering sore on a beautiful face. It’s always a meme, right? No one can pull me aside and quietly voice their grievances. No, it has to be shouted to their entire following, but covertly enough that I can’t expose them. So much so that if I did, I’d look like the crazy one.
This is not the first time.
Or the second.
And I’m sure it won’t be the last.
Oh no, definitely not the last. But I’m not allowed to feel either.
“Oh stop whining.”
“What a butthurt bitch.”
“Quit playing the victim.”
I can hear it now. Loud as ever.
I’ve been more vocal on human rights issues and more. These are some things sadly deemed “political.”
“It ain’t cute, sweetheart.” They said I was shaming people. Well darlin’ sadly, in these times we’re living in, some things need to be shamed.
In the words of someone I’ve always deeply admired that’s been harmed by the very industry I work alongside:
So what’s wrong with me calling these issues out? Why does that all of a sudden make me not your cup of tea? What does my little insignificant voice have to do with your happiness? Why do you feel the need to tear me down in the process?
I thought I was well past letting bullshit like that penetrate me. But it has. Yet again. Especially when these [very public] bashings start to effect my income. (If I showed you the numbers, and how far they’ve traveled downward since about May 2017, you’d cry.)
I’m slowly moving past it. After all, the projects on my desk don’t give a shit who is ripping me apart and why. I had a little outburst over it, then soon after regretted it. It made me look like the asshole. It made me look immature. Though I come from a place where if you don’t respond, you’re a coward. Though in today’s world, if you do respond, you’re giving them attention and that also winds up making you look like an idiot.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Amidst all this madness I had a great conversation with one of my best friends whom I consider like adopted family. He spoke of similar situations with slimy people’s passive-aggressive nature and likened getting rid of such negativity to purging impurities with flames. What a beautiful comparison it was. Like the practice of burning sage—a cleansing ritual.
So I guess what I’m stabbing at in all this is, sometimes we need to purge the ugliness in our life with flames. And no, I’m not telling you to go set shit on fire. (Ya crazy asses.) I’m simply hinting at the notion that in order to truly move up and move on in our lives, sometimes we really need to cut things loose—set them ablaze. One thing I’m learning is it doesn’t matter how many times we feel we have to do this. If we feel the need, it’s probably for a reason. There’s probably another phase ready for us on the other side waiting.