Daydreams Diary: Journey

Well, I’m not dead.

(Sorry, my dark sense of humor is showing itself.)

August is behind us, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. Life is something I certainly don’t take for granted. When you lose a lot of people before their time, it has a way of making you appreciate waking up each day.

We went through a significant loss while I was away. This event is not something I could just glaze over, no matter how private a person I may be. Doctors discovered around the second week of last month that I had an ectopic pregnancy. What was then explained to me soon after devastated us as a family. There was no way I could go forth with a healthy pregnancy, and my life was in danger.

I had two options. Both of which seemed terrifying to me at the time. Surgery or a chemotherapy drug called methotrexate. We’d already been in the hospital 13 hours with no food or water. My body was extremely weak and my mind was beyond stressed. I was told surgery was extremely risky because they could open me up and find nothing, since I was only 2 weeks along. There was a considerable risk of me bleeding out. The chemo agent didn’t seem much better as it was explained to me because it is very toxic to your system. I had no other options. I have a (then 8, now 9) year old son I have to think about that very much needs me.

We chose door number two—the methotrexate therapy. The first night was hell. I was shaking uncontrollably from fever chills and I was in pain. My entire body was weak while my mind was a complete fog. Things got better as the days went on, but as my condition improved, a sort of guilt and grief seeped into me at the same time.

I’m still going through it. Though some parts of this story have gotten a little brighter. I no longer need chemo treatments. My hormones are stabilizing and starting to taper off where they need to be. My body is still healing. There’s still some pain, and I still have to go back weekly for blood testing until I’m considered fully “back to normal.” There is so much more to this story. The rest is all I’ve got in me for now, though. I’m mostly anxious to get back to work.

We named her.

Somehow we both know it was a girl. It’s the kind of knowing the women in my family that I’ve spoken about here before possess. “Seeing” as we call it.

Her name is Journey.

I’ll save the meaning behind that for some other time. Though, if you’d like some clues, take a look at this past review, or even better play that game. It’s a beautiful experience you won’t regret, I promise. And you know I’m big on promises.

(Journey screenshots property of ThatGameCompany and Sony Computer Entertainment)

Sleepy Sundays: Andiamo

Andiamo © 2018 Snapping Turtle Arts | cardcastlesinthesky.com

If you’ve been reading here a while then you know I lost my mother back in 2005 to a nasty combo of lupus-related complications and hospital negligence. She was my favorite person in the whole wide world and I still miss her to this very day.

One of my nieces is having a birthday party later today and I’m getting everything ready for the occasion as we speak. (I stopped here to chat with you all, of course. Since I’ve missed some of you too—terribly.) Whenever I get to doing “girly” things my mother tends to pop on my mind. Random things can remind me of her at any moment. Such is part of love and loss, I guess. So as I sat to practice my landscape designs for upcoming work, this one came out of me. It is based off of a day where my mother spontaneously grabbed my hand and started darting with me up this hill by our old apartment.

She often did wild & crazy things out of nowhere at the drop of a hat just because it “felt right” or whatever lit her fire on this day or that day. Just before she whipped me up that hill (It was a blast. I was a little kid and nothing could have been more fun than running through a field up a hill & then rolling back down.) she whispered in my ear, “Let’s go!”

Do you have a memory that just seems to stick in your head no matter what?

Have a spontaneous Sunday!


Fun fact: This is yet another artwork where I used the “ghost image” technique discussed in Sleepy Sundays: Ghost.

Sleepy Sundays: A Slight Touch of Autumn

Whenever we feel a slight chill in the air, my son says “Is it changing over to fall?”

This is a welcome question in my son’s arsenal of ever-growing queries. Usually he’s correct. The same air that is responsible for a slight nose- run will soon transform the leaves on the trees into different colors.

On the weekend, we decided to take a little road trip. We got to see the evidence of such queries sprinkled about the trees.

It’s a welcome question because it sparks in me traditions that perhaps have long been forgotten in my family, yet somehow, I’ve managed to carry them on. As soon as the cold air rolls in, my windows open up. You can smell all sorts of apples and cookies baking. In October and November, you’ll often see pumpkins somewhere in my home.

What I noticed over the weekend took me on a trip down Memory Lane. I realized how much at times we really are like our family, despite liking it or not. We are them and they are us in many ways and sometimes perhaps that is why we carry on tradition. Approaching fall I remember my family. When it was full and many of them were still alive, us gathered around the table at some family function seafood and pasta. The long drives oftentimes down to the shore. Some fancy meal often cooked up by many or just one member of us. The aroma of some great food, the sound of some laughter, and hefty conversation all play back through my mind.

Touches of Fall
Touches of Fall

I’m beyond grateful we’re able to carry some of these old times on.

Do you carry on any old family traditions?

Have a love-filled Sunday!