Daydreams Diary: Knots

I am seriously debating closing down CardCastles and the larger umbrella responsible for it (Snapping Turtle) for good.

This is not for lack of trying, let me stress.

March has forever been unkind to me throughout my entire life. You may have even read that here before. I don’t have to tell you the following for privacy reasons, but I’m going to. Holding it in is making me even sicker than I already am.

My sister had her daughter (my niece) taken away from her by her ex. There’s a whole lot more to that, but that is just tier one of a set of things that are rapidly pushing me over the edge.

The tax return we were so heavily depending on (to move out of this hellhole) has been seized for student loan debt. All of it.

To top it all off, I just recently discovered my uncle who was once my legal guardian upon my grandmother’s passing, went behind my back while I was hospitalized back in 2006 and somehow illegally obtained “power of attorney” over me. What that basically translates to is I have no rights. He can sign things for me, obtain any money that comes to me. Fraudulently fill out forms in my name, etc etc. & He’ll be protected from any prosecution because, well, Power of Attorney.

Fighting any of this issues in court are near impossible for me since I am floating just above the national poverty line.

 

I am defeated. Depression has taken a strangle hold over me. & I am not sure if I can keep fighting anymore. The sickness I’ve been suffering from is spreading.

To keep this place standing is starting to feel like a crushing burden. I’m still undecided, but I figured I’d try to keep those of you that care in the loop. There are knots in my stomach and I can’t keep food down.

I hope this all isn’t a complete waste. I’ve worked so hard to get here.

I really love a lot of you and I’m sorry to unload all of this depressing muck on you. Pray/chant/will things for us. We will certainly need it in the months ahead.

 

Daydreams Diary: Flames

So, I’ve been sick for over a week.

Fever chills. Coughing. Bones felt like thin glass.

Furious
© 2017
Snapping Turtle Arts

I’ve been meaning to catch you all up on things for a while w/ a video diary or something, and yet things keep happening. Every time I sit down to work, or give you a little update here, another something pops up.

Flash forward to today. I finally start to gain some of my strength back. I’m still on the mend, but I finally have the first burst of energy I’ve had in over a week.

I come inside after getting my son, do my household duties, promptly sit down, then open up my folders for work. I’ve got an important project for Matticus & Revis that’s well over the deadline time frame. (Matt & Revis continue to be patient with me & my crazy life and I love them for it.) There’s another something I’m planning with my significant other. Last but most certainly not least, there’s some concept sketches I have to get out to three of my musician friends.

 

The phone starts chirping away.

I ignore it as best as I can, but in the back of my mind it must be urgent.



 

 



[to be continued]

 

Daydreams Diary: Cold Air

—• Cold Air •—

[ October 12th, 2017 9:47PM ]

I wanted to explain things to you.

It’s been so long.

There’s so much to explain.

I wanted to write about all the crap going on today.

I was going to call it “The Silencing of Rose McGowan” and it would’ve been great.

But I don’t have a lot of that edgy shit in me right now. & Well, frankly, you don’t care anyway.

I’ve been told to

keep the politics out of it.”

Hell, that was even my rule here once. Maybe that’s where I fucked up.

I need to drop the “Daydreams” because I’ve been “out of character” for over two years now.

But I still don’t feel 100% comfortable putting my name out there.

Maybe I should.

My head is a mess.

My health is dwindling.

I want to turn it all around but I am losing the fight.

I am losing my will to hold on.

It’s not that I’m ungrateful.

It’s that I was born with a cursed body.

And a cursed mind.

I may be of the witchy sort,

but I’m not one to undo hexes.

After all, the one that set that in motion had a reason and felt justified at the time.

No, I’d rather see how this plays out.

So let me be.

I’ll do just fine.

Just let me curl up

with this rott

in my mind.


[ September 17th, 2017 ]

—• Flashes •—

 

You wrote me today.

It was the first time in a while and it made me smile.

Even if just for a speck of reality.

 

I stumbled upon them again today.

This is the second time they were connected to someone in my network.

A new potential client or friend that I again had to let go in fear of them following the trail.

Why do I still care?

Do they even still think about me?

Am I still considered “a threat”?

I highly doubt it when he’s got 82,000 following and I’m well, me.

 

My patience was tested again today.

This was the third time in a few short weeks.

You accused my friend of baiting when he simply fought to be heard.

Why do you seek to silence us?

Will muting the messenger really snuff out the message?

Perhaps it be your guilty conscience that’s speaking louder than the both of us.

The weight of your judgement through trying times speaks volumes of your character.


[ August 30th, 2017 ]

—• Tormentors •—

Time is always uncertain.

Your words don’t stick.

They fade.

You think you’re important.

You’re not.

“Shade, shade, shade.”

You’re damn right it’s shade.

My tongue is a blade.

You are empty

And I am afraid.

So let’s make a trade.

Shall we, Adelaide?

Let’s call a spade a spade and give up this masquerade

when you know it’s just me here

and the bill must be paid.

Despite your shiny appearance,

your pockets are frayed.

 

—Daydreams

Sleepy Sundays: Afternoon Naps

Afternoon Naps
Afternoon Naps

The origins of the art I’m sharing today are simple. This was merely an old view from my childhood during afternoon naps that were a rule when I was a certain age in my household growing up. There was an old wooden window that my family had draped an even older brown sheer curtain over. The sunlight used to beam through it, especially during this time of year. When I told the story to a loved one a few nights ago, I was inspired to recreate the view through art.

It’s shocking how much it reminds me of that time. The whole piece just takes me directly back there.

Do you have any vivid memories that stand out from the rest? Are you a visual thinker?

Have a bright & beautiful Sunday!

Sleepy Sundays: Underneath

Underneath

Underneath
Have you ever torn something up only to reveal a forgotten wonder beneath?

I’m slowly going through the motions of moving. I’m dragging my feet to pack little by little. We all seem so depressed, drained, you name it. The living conditions here continue to worsen. I created this short sketch of this happy little guy for some greeting cards I’m designing. I had to find something better. Something, anything, to take my mind out of the madness.

May has been a terrible month for just about everyone I know. Here’s to hoping June brings about some hidden treasure amongst all the muck.

Reveal one detail about yourself you never share.

Go on, it’s liberating. (This is about peeling back a layer or two, and showing what’s “underneath”.)

Have a freeing Sunday!

Love in the Air

 

There’s going to be a theme floating through CardCastles this month. Can you guess what it is?Canvas Hearts

I’ll give you a hint.

It’s something discussed here and touched upon often.

Give up yet?

It’s…. L O V E.

Have a look at some of the previous CardCastles about/tagged “love” for an idea of what you can expect this February.

Posts tagged “love”:

L O V E | CardCastlesInTheSky

I look forward to February with all of you!

The Tale of Two Roads

“You need to find the fork in the road where you split.”

A wise individual once spoke these words to me. For those that may not fully understand my old friend’s city slang, allow me to translate.

It was a time in my life where mistakes became a daily occurrence. What my friend tried to convey was I needed to find the point in my life where I went wrong. I had to begin trying to correct that and everything else. Nearly ten years went by before the cleaning process began. I knew I needed to change. Life had beaten me down at such a young age. I sure wasn’t treating myself with respect either.

There was a bright end to it, somehow. I fixed myself; cleaned up my act. Still, we could all make improvements.

Lately, I find myself back at that same point. Even though I’ve treaded miles from the person I was before, I still need repair.

I need to find the fork in the road where I split. The staggering realization hit me that I still haven’t found it. Will I ever find it? Or am I doomed to the same dreaded existence I’ve known of so many others.

This is just my busy head speaking into typed words. This is a peek into my thoughts. My insecurities scream if I let them.

 

________________________

Author’s Notes: This is merely my way of venting. I don’t want anyone reading to worry about me. I’m doing fine. I’ve just been having a bit of inner struggle lately and writing has always been a coping mechanism. Writing is my strongest therapeutic tool. When you are going through something, try it out. You don’t have to be a writer. Journals/diaries keep us mentally healthy at times. Your mind is just as important as your body.

I’ll Light a Candle for You

I struggled to write this post today. Every fiber of me didn’t want to, but I knew it’d be therapeutic.

Today is my mother’s birthday. I’d like to think of it and celebrate it as just that, but I can’t. I can’t because this is also the anniversary of her death. She passed away 8years ago today…on her 43rd birthday.

I’ve spent the last few years of my life being a more positive person, and trying to help others like me move past their grief & depression. Yet today, I can’t help but feel sad. I miss her. I miss her with every ounce of me. I miss the talks we had, I miss her goofiness, I miss her smile…I miss her.

Murphy's Oil Soap
If I see or smell this stuff, I’ll cry. She used to clean with it. We’d laugh and joke about how we loved the piney smell.

Certain objects and things that remind me of her still induce tears.

There are many artistic tributes I’ve done to her, but I struggle writing about her. That is the most personal for me. Somehow, I was able to today.

Maybe someday I’ll build the courage to write a book about her. She had a way of making most anyone feel better. Yet, when she was upset, so were you. If she cried, it would break your heart and become contagious. She was a wonderful person. She was my favorite person.

Shine

I love you, Mom. Happy Birthday.

(She always liked this song. Strangely enough, the morning she passed away, I came back from the hospital full of tears. After I cried my eyes out for hours, I turned on the radio and this song came on.)